News Turn 5 - At the Midwinter of 1190

The winter of 1190 approaches, and the year hangs weary with the burden of war and death it has carried. The Peace of the Covenant is called upon the broken city of Rome, and preparations are made for the great meetings of the powerful and famous as best they can be. All are summoned to talk their business, politics and scandals, the people of the Levant and beyond watching what arguments shall stand or fall and which nations shall collapse this day.

News in the world of Crusade! is distributed by two major methods - from the pulpit and through private letters. Much is passed on to populations at large by priests and imams (though information often corrupted and inflamed). More is passed on by private correspondents, who write letters to the rich and important, describing the major news and events of their area, for which they are paid a small fee by the recipients. All are assumed to have access to the latter and naturally hear news of the former.

The War of the Vatican

From the report of a Crusader, marching with Cardinal Ricard from Jerusalem

”… and set sail from Acre. From there, we made good with the winds as far as Greece. Yet though the ships flew swift across the sea, we were all in much discomfort - even my officer's quarters were no more than a small hole, shared with some half-dozen others. By the time we had sailed past Krete, there had been many casualties among the troops, but, I think, no more than there would have been if we were marching over land…”

”… then as we came by the south of the Italian coast, there was a change - the fleet was split up and later it became known why. For the Sicilians had come to side with Urbana and sent a fleet against us. There was a great battle outside of Sicily while we sailed on towards Rome - though many ships were lost, the lives of many more were no doubt preserved…”

”… upon Roman land. I was almost the last to leave, for it had now taken a week for the troops to disembark among a great confusion. Though we thought we might be opposed, it was not until we approached the ancient city itself that the throngs of Urbana came out to meet us. Many thousands marched to oppose us, dwarfing our approaching force…”

The observation of the Urbanic Siege by Janna de Foulant, a noted French painter

“The forces of Urbana had retreated behind the walls of Rome, though they had not lost the field, but it seems that the security of stone so appealed to them. From the North I noted the approach of another army, coming from Burgundy and led by the old Duke's daughter, Aelith. Though I had come from Venice before news of the Kings Richard and Philip arrived, I now knew that they had pledged to remain put and allow the armies of Cardinal Ricard to besiege Rome…”

“Now, as I set myself upon the vantage point from which Marshal Michael of Bethlehem directed the battle. With him earlier arrayed I had painted his Lieutenants - the formidable Grandmaster Gerard Ridefort of the Templars, the poised Count of Acre Philip and Henry of Gloucester, with them the Mercenary General Pavel Korovic. Now alone, he surveyed the battlefield and I with him, painting the scene - ships advancing up the Tiber, laden with siege engines, the Burgundians pressing in from the north, and the armies of Jerusalem already pounding the walls and shooting arrows upon the battlements.

”…within days, as my painting progressed, the Siege was in the most heated moment. The snow-closed land now causing all to barely walk the white barricade and at the very dawn of the fifth day, the prepared assault arrayed, a surprising turn. The flag of Jerusalem was upon the south-western gate, where Raymond de Forcalquier had taken the gate for the Crusaders, betraying Urbana. Michael was clearly prepared, and already the Crusaders were marching to reinforce Raymond's knights. But all the forces of Urbana were then arrayed against them…”

”…the gate was sure to be abandoned, but with the fighting in the south, some other insiders opened the opposite gates - some other Crusader agents, letting Aelith's Burgundians wash over Rome in a great wave. And even as they did, already there were terrible things going on in the very heart - within the Vatican. What truly happened there, I still do not know, save what remains locked within my paintings…”

Rome in Ruins

A letter from the Bishop of Elphin, now on the outskirts of Rome

We cowered in the city below the Vatican hill as the Storm raged above. From within the Holy See we heard the roar of thunder and the laughter of devils as the arch-heretic called forth her power. We watched in horror as the seat of St. Peter was destroyed by the magics of the usurper Urbane. Even outside the walls of the Vatican we were not spared as she tore the firmament asunder and tried to cast the city into the Abyss beyond…

There is devastation everywhere in Rome now; ancient churches crushed to dust, great squares littered with rubble and corpses. The Vatican is gone; the Holy city scourged from the face of existence so that only the faintest traces of its glory remain….

The walls of Rome are broken and Urbane’s armies are scattered before the noble crusaders. Upon the Throne of St. Peter sits a new Pontiff…

Rumours passed between the refugees leaving Rome

They say Pope Peter faced the Antipope Urbane is an arena of fire called forth from hell itself. Terrible were the sorceries of the false pope as she laid waste to all about her but against her might stood His Holiness protected by the wings of angels and the grace of the Holy Virgin. He called the righteous wrath of God from heaven and Urbane was cast down into the pit where at Peter’s command the demons and devils tore her to shreds and carried her soul to Lucifer's maw.

Arabs killed the pope and blew up the Vatican! Damn those sneaky fiends!

Peter is a usurper. He destroyed the Vatican and burned the throne of St. Peter. Even Urbane in her purity and piety was not able to stop him and she died defending the heart of Christ’s Church.

The recollection of Rosso Fiorentino, nightwatchmen in the City of Rome

My head had taken a terrible blow during the cataclysm but I came too as the storm broke and the sound of trumpets filled the air. I looked toward the Vatican only to see it gone, the great Basilica had been ripped into the void in the heavens. Yet even as I gazed up I saw something fill the space once occupied by the Dome of St. Peter’s. I cannot say what it may have been; it seemed so big and yet made of glass or crystal, it stood upon legs that straddled the Vatican hill. As I looked it turned and for an instant I thought I saw an eye, a great silver eye, its malevolence infinite and its purpose horrific. Then the thing moved away across the city and my vision swam and I fell into darkness.

The final Prophecy of St. Malachy

In extreme persecution, the seat of the Holy Roman Church will be occupied by Peter the Roman, who will feed the sheep through many tribulations, at the term of which the city of seven hills will be destroyed, and the formidable Judge will judge his people.

Holy Mecca Aflame!

“I saw it with my own eyes, I tell you - that while the Crusade came toward our walls and battle did commence, the Kaaba did suddenly burst into heavy flame and within moments it did shatter into eleven pieces! And from within it an oily black smoke emerged that was spread above the fire by the winds and that at the same time there appeared four of Allah's angels and all four screamed in what most have been terrible pain and all within the Sacred Mosque fell to the floor upon their knees, hands clasped to their ears from which a trickle of blood had started to escape. I was one of those who felt it and I could not think or act at all. And then she came, the holy one, Maha, with the court of Dust dancing around her, keeping the noise from reaching her it is said and she stepped to the Kaaba, in pieces now inside its silver frame and with a child-like smile on her face she touched it. I saw no more then, for the light that happened blinded me and leaves me without my sight still, but I do not care for I know now that that light was Allah. And when the light was gone and all was darkness for me it was silent also, for the Angels screamed no longer.”


From the sermon of an Imam in the Khwarezmian1) city of Shahr-e Rey2):

“Already our brothers and sisters to the south and east come to avenge the insult against Allah and all Islam. From the furthest east they come by horse and the from nearer they march on foot, and gather in the greatest host that has been seen for generations. The destruction of the Kabaa by the vile magics of the Crusaders will be be avenged, more than avenged. We shall take their holy places and we shall destroy them utterly. We shall stand in the cities of the west and we shall preach the word of Allah and they shall listen.

For Allah is good and Allah is great. When the Kabaa was destroyed Allah put forth his hand and he took the destruction and he rejected it. The Kabaa is whole again and in a sign of Allah's blessing he has made it pure and white besides like polished ivory. He sent his spirits of the desert and his servants amongst men – I name Al-Afdal and the al-Nazihah first among them, and blessed Maha as first amongst that revered number – to the defence of Mecca and all who stood against him are no more.

Return of the Third Crusade

From a report rumoured to originate within the court of the Doge of Venice

“Now my Lord is truly glad of these events, for with over a month now passed since the news of Rome, and the victory over the Antipope Urbana the Accursed, the English and French had not left. But yesterday, the messenger arrived with glad news, that the Crusading Kings had begun to marshal their forces westwards, with a view to returning to their lands. Today, this was confirmed, as the great train began to pass - at last they were leaving!

So this sorry episode concluded, we can return to happily agreeing deals and shipping goods, no doubt facing a great demand within Italian lands, especially in Rome…”

Persecution and Pogroms

An extract from a letter to the remaining Jewish community in Schwandorf, Bavaria, originating from the Holy Land

“We have at last made our home not far from Acre. Here we reside in safety now and receive news from Jerusalem, where at least our people are not attacked in the streets. The horrors we have witnessed in the last years are passed. We invite you to join us in the promised land, for truly we can now return and live in Peace .”

A letter penned by a resident of Arles, France

“This month we have witnessed more retribution against the Jews, who have been sent from these lands. Lord Guy has once more called for the sacking of their properties and many of the knights obliged, an entire quarter of Arles going up in flames overnight. Though I do not question this reaction, I must wonder how now we will rebuild a near third of the town?”

Similar news floods in from across Europe as many Jews are hounded or choose to leave for the Holy Land.

The Temple Mount Reborn!

A prayer commonly heard on the streets of Jersualem.
“Ani Maamin B'emunah Sh'leimah B'viyat Hamashiach. V'af al pi sheyitmahmehah im kol zeh achake lo b'chol yom sheyavo.”

A letter commonly seen in the diaspora of the Jewish people written by Ayn Rand.
“Not since the days of Emperor Julian of the Romans had it seemed more likely that the Temple would be built, but where as once Rabbi Hilkiyah rejected the monies of Gentiles in the project, it seems instead Joshua ben Isaac has agreed with the Christians that we, them and the Muslims shall each have space within the Temple. Great construction began quickly and efforts were heroic so that within the year it seems that the Jewish sections are complete while the muslim sections have barely been begun. But the real surprise is the Christian piece where Michael of Bethleham has placed a enormous spire on their devotions and it seems that of the three it is the followers of Jesus whose place of worship shall reach further for the heavens. Soon though, soon, we shall all see the Third Temple again as we return home!”

For a change - a Happy Occasion

From a letter Isabella of Rhiems to Maria of Turin

”…so as I was visiting Acre I was there when the joyous news was announced that, while he was away doing do with that awful Urbana woman, Philip, Count of Acre, became a father at last. Apparently Anna delivered twins, a boy and a girl who some say will be called Isaac and Sybilla, and they all are in great health. I understand that they await their father's return, victorious from campaign and that it is said they were born under blessed stars. It does seem to make a pleasant difference to have something so nice to communicate after all this death.”

Cyprus - An Imperial Proclamation

WHEREAS it has pleased Almighty God, for the glory of his name, and for the universal welfare, to see our Pontic Colonies upon the northern shores of the Black Sea prosper we attribute that which is not God's gift to the stewardship of our Governor Sergios o Ithakenseys.

KNOWING that in His infinite mercy and ineffable wisdom Almighty God has taken from us Governor Telemachus of the Theme of Cyprus so that he may stand but one step below the Saints that Our Lord has already gathered to His side we express the shared sorrow of all the citizens of the Roman Empire.

RECOGNISING that Governor Ithakenseys has already displayed all the necessary skills, and more, required to govern citizens dear to our heart and the ancient and rightful land of the Empire we appoint Sergios o Ithakenseys to the governorship of the Theme of Cyprus and relieve him of his duties beyond the Pontic Straits.

CHARGING our new Governor of the Theme of Cyprus with the many tasks required of all our governors we draw to his attention the additional tasks required of the administration of that Island:

I. The reconstruction of the cities and renewed fertility of the countryside of our island so lately denuded by the plague.
II. The defence of our Theme against any and all invaders and all other enemies of Emperor and our Empire whether foreign or domestic.
III. Emphasising the governors duty to the continued maintenance and construction of the fleet of the Theme and of our own Imperial fleet.

CONFIDENT that Governor Ithakenseys shall discharge his duties in Loyalty and Honour of his Emperor, we publish this decree.

Signed and bearing the Seal of,

Imperator Caesar ISAAC Augustus, Autokrator and Kosmokrator and Chronokrator of the Romans

Byzantine Troops Withdraw From Georgia

From a second letter to Georgian notables in the Holy Land, from a scribe of the Queen's court, keeping them updated with the situation as it resolves:

…and so we didn't so much defeat the Byzantines, as much as they rolled over and acquiesced to almost our every demand. Count Lomidze personally oversaw the oath ritual before the Queen herself, and Aprenos was sent home along with his mercenary rabble.

We have regained our border outposts and fortresses, and we must praise Aprenos and his troops for being extremely civilised in these regards since it seems that very little was looted or destroyed, and few Georgian citizens lost anything that Her Majesty cannot afford to reimburse herself. Her Majesty has declared that there is to be no grudge held against the Byzantines, and though the border forces have been strengthened tenfold there is to be no retributive strike.

Her Majesty only waits now for a confirmation from Isaac II Angelos, or some other ruling body with more sense and political savvy, as to the sovereignty of Her reign (long may it last) over our glorious lands.

Senate declares Georgia sovereign

From a speech by Senator Gregoria, one of the leading members of the growing faction in the Senate aligned with Senator Simeon Gabriel.

Senators and citizens of Constantinople, I rise to address you upon the matter of Georgia. It seems clear now that the Roman Empire acted with haste, haste which we must now regret, in acting against the Sovereign State of Georgia. All here gathered now understand that the stern and noble Queen Tamar would never support the traitor and black magician once known as Andronikos and that the knights and nobles of Georgia would never countenance such evil amongst themselves in public or in secret.

It is no shame for the Senate of Rome to recognise that mistakes have been made; all men are imperfect and must trust in Christ and His saints for their intercession and mercy. I pray that Our Lord will protect us from such in the future for it is only under His care that the Roman Empire endures eternal.

I move therefore that the Senate ask the Prefect of the City to write to Queen Tamar and make such guarantees…

The vote is passed by acclimation and a letter guaranteeing the sovereignty of Georgia and the eternal friendship of Rome is sent to the Court of Queen Tamar.

Something Lurks In The Hills

From a trader, who swears that his cousin knows a bloke who knew a girl whose lover saw the whole thing with his own eyes, honest, and relays this story as gospel truth:

“So I was working on my farm, right, it's in the foothills south of Tblisi, near Koda, we breeds sheep, we do, and it's been a long day so I'm taking a break with the lads. And we're having a bit of a drink, no, not loads - we weren't drunk or anything, and debating whether we should knock off or what. And from down the hills there come these monks, right, and they're all hysterical and stuff, and they just run right past us screaming something what we couldn't make out, right, and pointing up at the hills. And there's like a monastery up there near the top, but it's out of the way and there ain't nothing interesting up there anyhow, so we guessed that being monks they came from the monastery, right?”

“So, right, we decided that we should maybe have a bit of a gander, and then Dza', he says we should go up there, and then we tells him to shut up 'cos he's had a bit too much cider and that we're not going anywhere, after all, we have the sheep to get back in, right, so we just watched for a bit. And then, and I had to make sure the cider weren't making me see stuff, 'cos this huge thing, I couldn't tell what it were, took off and started flying 'round and stuff, like some monster with wings, right. We didn't get a good look at it, but we decided that since we all saw it it couldn't have been the drink, right, and then it flew down and disappeared somewhere. Weird, that was. Didn't see it again, though.”

Something Wicked This Way Comes

A message from Captain Jacamo Coco to his superiors in the Byzantine Navy

My ship is lost and many of my crew dead. The Mediterranean Sea is full of ice; great floating lumps of it litter the merchant lanes. The winter storms have swept from Italy and hang heavy over the water, navigation is treacherous and we dared to approach to close to one of the frozen masses. It cut through our hull as if it were parchment and we were forced to abandon the ship. The waters of the sea were frigid, far colder then I have ever experienced them to be. We floated for days holding onto wreckage or lying on the sheets of ice. Some of the men simply sunk away during the night and others died slowly of exposure.

I think I may have been driven mad during that time for as I drifted there I saw a great writhing in the water that came toward us at an alarming rate. It was fish, every sort of fish, in a vast shoal. They jumped and swum around us and it seemed as if they were desperate to escape some hidden predator that drove them before it. The men were greatly afraid for in all their days on the sea they had never seen such as this and neither had I. When the shoal passed I thought nothing more of it but some time later I looked down into the deep waters below and it seemed to me that some great shadow passed beneath us in the depths and in its wake the waters grew even colder. It moved away to the east and I dread to think what it may have been.

Ravings of a mad prophet in Jerusalem

Beware Jerusalem for in all thine abominations and thy pontiffs thou hast not remembered the days of thy youth, when thou wast naked and bare, and wast polluted in thy blood…

…And the ten horns which thou sawest upon the beast, these shall hate the successor of Peter, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with frost…

…for from the west comes the great grey titan and his wrath shall strike forth against the temple upon the mount and cast down the works of the chosen…

…the works of men, by the word of thy lips I have kept me from the paths of the destroyer…

… and he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending into the void, the realm of the Others that sit without, whose thrones stand against the works of the almighty…

…purge thyself of chaos, of freedom, of thought and subsume your soul in the dictum of law…

…opposeth and exalteth himself above all that is called God, or that is worshipped; so that he as God sitteth in the temple of God, shewing himself that he is God, the destroyer, the unmaker…

The Disappearance of Cardinal Nisa

From a sermon preached in one of the churches of Lykandos to those who have followed the antipope many long years:

… yet on the day that we hear that God's servant Pope Peter II has triumphed against the she-devil that falsely named herself pope and sat in lies upon the throne of St. Peter, we hear that tragedy has struck too. His most holy and loyal Cardinal Nisa who preached in his favour in this very church and tended most loyally to his flock has disappeared. We must prey to God for her safety and her immortal soul.

“I spoke with a merchant from Rome last year, do you remember the one? She was dealing in wools from that wet island in the north…”

“Yes, yes, what about it, I didn't buy any wool and I know you didn't either.”

“No, but she'd been to Rome and seen the antipope before she died. And she saw Cardinal Nisa that time she visited us. According to the merchant Cardinal Nisa looked like a younger prettier version of the antipope!”

“So what?”

“Just saying it's a bit of a coincidence her disappearing the same day the news arrived. As fast as a quick ship and fast horse, is all I'm saying….”

Constantinople - The Capital of Couture

From the observations of a minor French noble

”… this New Rome remains a marvel of architecture. Yet I could not have imagined that it should so well represent the very best fashions of East and West. There is no doubt that every man and woman on the streets in some way seeks to emulate the highest fashions of the upper city where the mix of every fashion and so many new delights are present.”

“I am amazed by every part of the display - for not only are the styles recognisably of Paris or even Jerusalem that I had seen but a year ago, there are many that transform them beyond imagination. I cannot fathom how the tailors of the Europe could hope to replicate the influx of ideas!”

”… I am informed, reliably I hope, that such a development has long been in the making, but it was the patronage of a Lucius Aprenos, well-regarded at the Imperial Court, that has brought us this. I must implore you to come at once and visit the magnificence of Constantinople…”

The Marriage of Dukos Exarchos Nizam Ata and Princess Constantia

From a letter from Theodora of Athens to her cousin Governor Antipatra of Cherson.

I shall not tell you of the strange events that preceded and followed the wedding of the Dukos Archos Nizam Ata and Constantia, niece of the Emperor, for we arrived early at the Hagia Sophia and departed early and so missed much excitement. Besides, even in distant Cherson you must surely have heard of those tragic and strange events already.

But, oh Constantia was radiant in her white dress! It was made of the finest of silks and the train so long it took twenty children (delightful little angels) to carry. I do not think I have ever seen a woman so clearly in love and so happy, and the smile upon her face answered so clearly by the Turk. I have not met with the Exarch and had assumed he would be brutish and uncouth, but from what I saw of the wedding ceremony he is a man of gentle manner and considerable charm. I am certain that Constantia thinks so and there's is a marriage of hearts as well as much else.

Bishop Giannopoulos officiated excellently, and well he might with the eyes of both Emperor and Patriarch on him. Sadly I think he must have been very nervous under the gaze of those worthies, for he did stutter each time Nizam Ata made any move or did speak. It seemed strangely contagious for in that large congregation there were many who kept a close eye on the Exarch. There were a great many people there with swords strapped to their sides too and they fiddled with them a great deal which I thought most rude. Governor Ithakenseys attended the wedding in full armour which I hope is not the style in your theme.

I think too this beautiful ceremony puts to rest the question of the Exarch's true faith which wicked rumours have questioned….

Barbarossa's Crusade Crushed

From a missive sent to Al-Quair from Mecca

”… Redbeard's Crusaders crushed beneath our walls. Silent knives cutting away their flesh in the night, loyal djinni scattering their soldiers, the defenders of Mecca standing strong. Though their sorcerous assault upon the Kabba has caused every true believer the greatest pain, they could do no more to crush our Holy City.

Now even the garrison they had left at Medina flees into the desert, and they shall not make it back to Jerusalem…”

Report, from one of Barbarossa's soldiers, on arrival in Jerusalem

“So few of us have now returned. The score that escaped with our lives, we followed Emperor Frederick back towards the sea where the boat had been prepared. The Emperor had slain many of our pursuers together with the handful of other knights. Of the Hospitallers, only Helena of Trier and some number of her bodyguard escaped, though how they have returned to Jerusalem, I cannot fathom.

We are lucky to have survived to her, so great was our defeat at Mecca, at the hands of both the Arabs and now, as we know, the cruel orders of an Antipope…”

Poetry Corner

St Edmund's Day

He that outlived that day, and came safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Edmund.
He that did live that day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Edmund's:
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Edmund's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall their names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Jean Ricard, Jacob, Pavel and Michael,
Aleith and Raymond, Philip and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Edmund’s day shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he that day that shed his blood with them
Shall be their brother; be they ne'er so vile,
That day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in Europe then a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not there,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with them upon Saint Edmund's day.

I Shall Sing you the Song of my People

To the theme tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the King of a town called Acre

In western Jerusalem born and raised
In the palace was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, joustin', and swinging my trunk
When Batman killed my mum I was left in a funk
Then a couple of popes
Who were up to no good
Started making' trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and the Council got scared
They said “You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Acre”

I begged and pleaded with them day after day
But they packed my suitcase and sent me on my way
They gave me a kiss and then they gave me my ticket.
I put my armour on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

Riding with a caravan out of Baghdad
Drinking fine wine out of a champagne glass.
Is this what the people of Acre livin' like?
Hmmmmm, this might be alright.

I whistled for a ride and when it came near
It stank like a sewer and it spat in my hair
If anything I can say this camel's rare
But I thought “Nah, forget it” - “Yo homes, to Acre!

I pulled up to the castle about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the camel “Yo homes, smell ya later”
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the King of Acre

I Just Can't Wait to be Pope

To the tune of “Just Can't wait to be King.”

You Know I am the real Pope
So Heathens you Beware
With my follows behind me.
Well I don't have a care

I'm gonna be the best Pope yet
Like no one was before
Practicing my Theology
And preparing for my Tour
Thus far, I've had to wait and Hope
Oh I just can't wait to be Pope!

Well You know Pope Urban
She's clinicly Insane
Eating lots of babies
And combing her hair
I'll make the Heretics pay.
When I do it all my way.

I think its time to put the Church back on the right path.
It is time for the doubters to feel my mighty wrath
Me and my followers will march on Rome you'll see
And put a man, Pure of heart, onto the holy see.
With me in charge we'll give the people hope
Oh I just can't wait to be Pope.

With my Papal Bull's
I put everything too right.
Everywhere you look I'll
Be standing in the spotlight.

I don't want to see anybody mope.
Let everybody go for broke and hope.
And I'll bring us off this slippery Slope
Oh I just can't wait to be Pope.
Oh I just can't wait to be Pope.
Oh I just can't waaaaaait…. to be Pope.

Under the See of St. Peter

Sung to the tune of “Under the Sea” from “The Little Mermaid”.

You know that I am the real Pope
All the others are just fake.
You see they are just Heretics.
And in hell they will bake.
Just look at the world around you
With me it’s a better place.
My Majestic love surround you.
With me your foe’s you’ll face.

I am the Pope.
I am the Pope.
You know I’m better,
Ricard is Wetter.
He don’t have a Hope.
In his hide hole he plots all day.
He schemes and tricks his life away.
While I devotin’
Full time to gloatin’
I am the Pope

In the Vatican we happy
As we in power you know
The anti-pope he ain’t happy.
Because he condemn his soul.
But really he is quite lucky.
Because we will decide his fate.
We make it quick and painless.
So that we don’t breed the Hate.

I am the Pope.
I am the Pope.
All of the others;
Lie and then cheat us.
Don’t have a hope.
My opponents, they like to scoff,
I am the pope, I’ll see them off.
I got no Troubles.
Priests that goes doubles.
I am the Pope.

I am the pope.
Got Papal Bull here
So life is full here.
Even Ricard can’t spoil my day.
Cos I got time to stop and pray.
The Holy Spirit.
You got to hear it.
I am the Pope.

My star has gone far.
I’ve heart and I’m smart.
The might and the right,
That set me apart.
At mass I’m top brass.
You’ll see I’ll agree
My pride in the guide of souls.
I’m sharp on a harp.
You share and I care.
You pay and I pray,
Forgive all your sins.
If you scream and shout
I’ll seek you out.
An’ oh that will be that.

Yes I am the Pope
The only true Pope
Mess me about
I’ll find you out
End all your hope.
What have you got? Lots of Hot air!
Bring it on I really don’t care!
I’m god’s right hand here.
I’ve nothing to fear.
I am the Pope!
I am the truth here!
I’ve got the proof here,
I am the Pope.
This little man here,
Thinks he can win here?
But I am hotter! Your in hot Water I will triumph here.
While you will fall here.
I am the Pope.


  • 2bishops1chalice
  • The Pope is in Excellent Health.
  • A handy visual summary of the Duel of the Antipopes, but with more lightsabers, 3) can be found here: Here
  • Pyotr Loria will be deeply unhappy at anyone continuing to call the laughing demons by the name “Laughing Knights”. They are an insult to knighthood and should not be dignified with the name.
  • Giant Snake eats Byzantium Diplomats at wedding
  • When there's lightning, you know it always brings me down.
  • The GM team regret to announce that due to an accounting oversight the entire special effects budget for Crusade has been spent on the Papal showdown. Hence all future magical cataclysms will be limited to: one handful of glitter, three standard issue party balloons and a single sparkler (white). Thank you for your cooperation.
  • Correction: Giant Snake does not eat Diplomats at wedding
  • Not that the GM team are expecting there to be any future magical cataclysms. On no. Honest.
  • Bishop Giannopoulos prefers older men like General Karantenos.
  • Have you noticed all the medics in Damascus came back a little odd? That witch-woman insists on being called Hotlips.
  • It does not stop. It does not sleep. And it's coming for YOU.
  • Makis Karantenos is the Great Caesar.
  • Mansoor is thrice-betrothed, and there are yet more women falling over to try and entice him.
  • When fighting in Rome, don't eat yellow snow…
  • There's enough alchemists fire on Cyprus now to send the island to the moon. In very small pieces admittedly.
  • Rus Mercenaries can't be trusted, they've already sold their mothers for a chance to march on Rome.
  • The Seljuks in the hills are gone, but they are there, watching you. With their eyes.
  • Michael of Bethlehem is a level 3 chain mage.
  • Correction: Giant Snake pigs out at Byzantine Wedding - eats all the food.
  • Do you think Bishop Giannopoulos will ever manage a beard?
  • How does Herena sleep with all the noise from those elephants? Still I suppose it makes it easier for the earth to move!
  • The Monstrous Corpse of the Undead Hermetic Antipope is in Excellent Health.

The Great Satan


  • Preceptor Abelard
  • Emperor Barbarossa
  • Pope Urbane the Third
  • The Great Rukkhi bird
  • The Black Elephant
  • Raynald de Chatillon
  • Iblis
  • General Aprenos' Advisory Staff
  • All the Pope's little wizards
  • Mystery Guest
  • Nizam's Parrot
  • Third Cardinal From The Left
  • And many, many more!

Mr N. Satan,

We are writing to inform you pursuant to your application that all vacancies for position ref. 666 are currently filled; due to the volume of requests for the position we are unable to consider you at this time. We will keep your details on file should there be an opening in the future.

Thank you for your interest,
The Great Satan Review Committee

1) Roughly modern Iran
2) Close to modern Tehran
3) correction; fewer lightsabers
news/5.txt · Last modified: 2009/06/01 16:50 by delvy
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